high school together--I always thought it would be more worth

his time to stay at home and masturbate."

--Bernard Sanders-D, United States Representative

I can finally launch my bid to become

President. Plus, the tourists all came

back. We can hold our heads up and

say we're proud to be Vermonters

again. And like I was telling Madelin

Cunin the other day, "You know,

it's not like he was born in Vermont.

Once he gets a New York Driver's

License, he's their problem, not

ours."

--Vermont Governor Howard Dean

'til Alex moved in, that is. Now we have to wait until

he goes out of town before we can smoke joints and

play our bongo drums. He's so lame, and I had to

explain that dumb sign to my grandma when she came

to visit. My gramps is senile, and all he'll say to anything

we ask him now is "Fries with that. Fries with that.

Whole-grain oats?" It's like he wrecked, like, my whole

family organism."

--East Village locals

not by a photographer with pictures of me boinking one

of my assistants, but by a former personnel dept. chief

who said he would leak to the press documents showing

Alex working for my company back in the 1980's. My

stock would never have recovered--it was purely a

business decision. A cream pie in the face is a small

price to pay to have the security of knowing no one

knows you ever knew Alex."

--Bill Gates, CEO and founder, Microsoft

with Alex. He came up to me at a club and I thought, 'Oh,

shit, I better just pretend like I'm a statue.' Well, he still followed

me home, and I had to tell him I had herpes real bad before he

would go. He's like, the only guy in New York I haven't screwed.

What a greaseball!"

--Superstar Madonna